As a mother to three young children and a pediatrician, I spend a lot of time trying to encourage my own children to behave well and a good amount of time helping parents find ways to increase desirable behaviors and squelch, let’s say, well, less than desirable behaviors. Disciplining children is one of the most challenging yet important aspects of parenting. The goal of discipline is not just to correct misbehavior, but to guide children toward developing self-control, responsibility, and a clear understanding of boundaries. When done effectively, discipline helps children learn right from wrong, build emotional intelligence, and prepare for success in both their personal and academic lives.
This can all seem overwhelming, so I find it helpful to remember a short list of effective and positive discipline approaches that foster desirable behavior in children or others:
1. Positive Reinforcement
- Reward desired behaviors to encourage their recurrence. The most powerful reward is often the parent’s attention.
- Examples: Praise, tokens, privileges, or a high-five when or immediately after the behavior occurs.
- When rewarding the behavior, be specific, like saying, “I really appreciate how you cleaned up your toys right after playing without me asking.”
2. Modeling
- Exhibit the behavior you wish to see (and avoid modeling behaviors you don’t want your children to pick up)
- Examples: If you want kindness, consistently demonstrate it in your interactions. If you want them to keep screens away from the dinner table, don’t use your own.
3. Clear and Consistent Expectations
- Children need structure and clarity to thrive. Try to set understandable rules and communicate them clearly.
- Example: Instead of saying, “Behave,” specify, “Please keep your voice down while in the library” or “Please make eye contact and say thank you when someone has done something nice for you.”
4. Logical Consequences
- Tie the consequence directly to the behavior to make it meaningful. This approach helps children understand accountability and learn from their actions
- Examples: If a child doesn’t put their bike away, the consequence could be losing bike privileges for a day. If they don’t turn the TV volume down when asked, the TV is turned off.
5. Encourage Choice and Autonomy
- Provide opportunities to make choices within boundaries to promote independence. This helps children to feel that they have some control over a situation.
- Example: “Do you want to do your homework before or after dinner?” It is important to not offer an option that you would not follow through with.
6. Use Time-In, Not Time-Out
- Instead of isolating a child for misbehavior, “time in” involves sitting with the child to process emotions and learn from the situation collaboratively.
- Example: Sit together and talk through what went wrong and how to make a better choice next time.
7. Redirection
- Offer an alternative to undesirable behavior.
- Example: If a child is throwing toys, suggest going outside for a game of catch with a ball. If siblings are hitting during a disagreement, teach them to use words to express feelings and provide a calming technique, like taking deep breaths or going to a quiet space.
Read Also: Get Your Teenager (and Yourself) to Bed!
Jackie Phillips, MD, November, 2024
Take the first step towards improving your child’s health with pediatric integrative medicine. Call The Village Doctor at (650) 851-4747 or Contact us to learn more about the practice.
