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Preschooler Bedtime Battles: 3 Things You Need to Know about 3 to 5 year olds and Bedtime

You’ve heard them all….

“I have to use the potty.” 

“I need my stuffie.”

“I’m hungry.”

“I need “other parent” to tuck me in.”

“I’m not tired.”

“I’m scared.”

These are the tirade of bedtime stalls that appear at bedtime. I know you adore your kids.  You love spending time with them.  You’ll probably watch them while they sleep later on … but when bedtime rolls around you are READY for them to go down peacefully, so you can have a little time to yourself.  Your needs are real. 

You’re not alone.  So many parents struggle through Preschooler bedtime battles especially starting around age 3.  With a sleep consultant with over 11 years of experience, a REI®️ Theories and Foundations graduate, I want to share with you the 3 reasons why this age group struggles with Preschooler bedtime battles and give you tips to start tonight to maintain connection, while easing the tuck in process. 

3 Reasons Preschoolers Struggle With Bedtime

  1. Timing
  2. Lack of Connection
  3. Boundaries 

TIMING

Timing, predicting an appropriate Preschooler bedtime and goal asleep time,  is the first, gentle thing you can do to set your little one up for success. If your child, older than age 3,  is still napping, this nap could be sabotaging your bedtime.   

All humans have sleep pressure that builds that facilitates sleep.  Around age 3 to 3.5 years of age most children are ready to drop the nap, but it might not manifest like you think it should. 

Most people think that when a child is ready to drop the nap, they just won’t nap or the nap will be short.  That’s frequently not the case.  

The biggest sign of nap drop readiness is that the child really doesn’t fall asleep at night until 6.5 hours or more,  from waking from the nap.  If your child is up from the nap at 3 pm, which is common in many preschools, that means a 9:30 pm ready to sleep time.  

If you’re starting your Preschooler bedtime routine at 8 pm, that can mean 1 to 1.5 hours of struggles to get your child to stay in bed and fall asleep.   This presents as “Preschooler bedtime battles”  where they stall like crazy because their body just doesn’t feel ready to sleep. The nap, even if it’s 45 minutes to 1 hour, disrupts your child’s sleep pressure and it takes so much time to optimize again that they really aren’t ready to sleep until later in the evening.   This is a timing issue rather than your child being defiant.

The opposite can also be true, meaning sometimes your Preschooler bedtime might be too late. 

When your child drops the nap, your bedtime needs to come earlier as your child’s sleep pressure will rise more quickly.  Often when a 3 year old first drops the nap we aim for 12 to 13 hours of overnight sleep to keep them well-rested and happy. 

If your child is waking up at 7 am, this means asleep for the night goal at 6:30 pm or 7 pm, to achieve 12 to 12.5 hours of night sleep.  They’ll likely be really tired and cranky even by 5 pm.  Don’t shy away from early bedtimes due to a fear that they’ll wake up “too early” in the morning.  The more rested a child the easier it is to fall asleep and stay asleep. Keeping your child well rested is the best defense in Preschooler bedtime battles, night waking and early morning wake ups. 

LACK OF CONNECTION

While you’re ready to get this kiddo tucked in so you can do your thing, your child might need more time to transition away from you, than you expect.  The purpose of the Preschooler bedtime routine is to prepare your child to ease away from you.  This is why shared bedtime with other siblings can sometimes be detrimental to sensitive kids who need one to one time with their parent at day’s end.  Some of the biggest shares from your little person come at bedtime when they are relaxing with you and feeling safe and secure with you in their bed.   You can’t rush bedtime.  One way to make preschooler bedtime efficient is to have some one to one connection time BEFORE you do bedtime.  20 minutes of connecting via play before bedtime can do wonders in filling up that connection bucket before bedtime. 

Another tactic I like to use is “Let’s talk about it.”   This helps kids put order to their past day and to the following day.  It helps them feel seen and appreciated.  That builds connection. 

Let’s talk about it…

“Here’s what you did today, you got up and then we had breakfast.  I bundled you up and we went to preschool.  I picked you up and then we came home and played magnatiles.  I really enjoyed watching you stack those blocks.  I noticed you made a castle and liked to use the blue blocks more often.  I love being your parent and watching you play. 

Now it’s sleeping time.  I’m going to leave the room and clean the kitchen and then I’m going to bed.  But I can’t wait to see you tomorrow morning.  I’m thinking about you even when I’m not with you.  Tomorrow is Saturday, we’ll wake up and spend time together.  Then we’ll go to the park and play with your friends. “

Lights out. 

BOUNDARIES

If you’ve established a consistent bedtime routine for preschoolers, nailed the timing, filled up the connection bucket but your child still stalls bedtime with endless requests, it may be time to set some firmer boundaries.

As parents, we cannot control our children’s behavior, only guide it through our responses. Approach Preschooler bedtime exasperation with the poise of a calm, confident leader, not frustration. Once you’ve set your child up for success with a consistent routine that meets their needs for closeness and stories, take charge kindly but firmly but not sternly. 

Communicate that the preschooler bedtime routine has ended and it’s time to sleep. You need not indulge every stalling tactic. Your composed leadership sets the tone for their behavior. Forecasting is a tactic that can help.  As you’re moving through preschooler bedtime routine you’re letting your little one know what’s going to happen next to help build credibility for you and safety and security for them.  Uncertainty and parents behaving erratically are what cause anxiety.  This might look like:

We’re going to read 3 books and then it’s light out.  Forecasting what’s going to happen. 

Which 3 books would you like to read?.  Giving some choice and power. 

When reading books, we have 2 books left and then it’s lights out. 

Now it’s time to tuck into bed and turn down the lights and then I’m going to do the dishes but I’ll come back and check in on you one last time.”

There is no harm with letting have the little win of one last check in.  

In summary, first, look at timing. Sync preschooler bedtime to their nap schedule so they’re tired enough to easily doze off. Next, build in some one-on-one connection before bed to fill their cup. Finally, once your routine is consistent, hold boundaries with calm confidence, not frustration. Forecast the routine so they know what’s coming. Stay patient, caring and consistent. Implement these tips for peaceful bedtimes and restful nights. You’ve got this parents!

www.helpingbabiessleep.com

Offering sleep help for babies 6 weeks up to 5 years including those with special needs. 

Sarah Mitchell, MD, January, 2025

Read Also: Preparing Your Child For A Successful Back-To-School Transition: Tips For Establishing A Healthy Sleep Schedule